Holy Sh*t, I’m moving to Philly?!
I’m moving to Philly. And why.
How am I supposed to think, to feel? Where do all these emotions go?
Where the hell are the emotions that I am not currently feeling? Simultaneously, I feel numb & overflowing with grief, excitement, sadness, and pure joy. My mind races past all the things that need to be done for this move, and I realize I haven’t even told any of my close friends or community that I am leaving. I am leaving. In a sense, it feels like a death. With my mother’s imminent demise, I die, too. My vessel that I came through is leaving. She is leaving. Even now, her denial about her illness prevents me from having real, authentic conversations with her-something that has been extremely important to me since I was very young.
I’m moving away from North Carolina to be with my mother who has had 4th stage breast cancer for almost a decade. The cancer has metastasized and spread to her bones for a few years now. My 7.5 hour drive from NC to Ocean City, MD has taken a toll on my body, and I desire to have more time, and valuable time with her.
Alongside of closeness with Mama is also closeness with sister bear & teenage nephew who live in Brooklyn. And auntie + uncle who live in two different places in Maryland near Madre that I look forward to connecting with in different ways. I’ve been in the south for over 25 years, and, even though I have never visited Philadelphia, I feel like I am going home, back to my northern roots. Back to my family. Back to Mama. Mama Dukes. Back to Kelli with an ‘i’.
So, I’m deciding to make the big move-moving away from everything I’ve known for 25 years. Away from the back country roads that I’ve known and loved and that have taken me home. Away from the many plants and animals that I have learned from and that have nurtured my natural self. Away from the vast amount of conscious, high-vibrating community I have been apart of and created, who have nurtured me, and grown me up so good, while supporting me to raise up my own daughter as a young mother. I am humbled by all that NC has offered us, and give thanks with head bowed on the ground, with big heart open wide. It is time to go. And, even with such depth & connection I have to my North Carolina roots, air, water, people, plants, dance, and land, I must say that I am *SO* ready to G-to-the-O. I’m ready to GO…!
With this move, not only do I move away from, I also move toward my present-future me. I feel a full-on blossoming coming. My tightly-wrapped petals are pushing through the bud so hard my skin hurts. Like a pregnant woman in her ninth month, I am ready to give birth to myself in a different way-a way that opens up my throat chakra, third eye, and higher consciousness. Again, and for the first time as an adult without caring for a child, I move away and on and back home again. Like a Crone meeting her end-of-days, I am preparing my last meal, brushing my teeth and my hair for the last time, breathing my last living-in-NC breaths, and onto moving my mother closer to meeting her maker, doula-style.
One of my dearest loves says, “there’s no such thing as strangers, just future friends”. So, in my case, the equation would go like this:
Misha + Philly = Future Friends.
